Espresso Chocolate Chip Muffins

I spent a lot of years feeling nervous to the point of giving myself stomachaches at the prospect of anything that might draw attention to myself. This included auditions, presentations and sports competitions, all three of which I suffered through on a regular basis. In high school I tried to get my cross country coach to let me practice but not compete, but he flatly refused. I took a public speaking class to try to deal with the fear, but never felt any less nervous no matter how often I put myself in front of the class. Throughout my swimming career, I routinely woke up on the day of a swim meet with a stomach clenched in knots and a feeling of dread which I did my best to repress. Thankfully, by the time I reached my last years of summer swimming, the long distance events in which I always competed were scheduled ultra early before a most people were even awake. It wasn't the case for high school or college swimming, but at least in the summer I could tumble out of bed and into the pool without giving myself time to get anxious. Swimming a mile at 5 am did wonders for getting rid of any nerves as I fell into a steady rhythm and gave my body time to feel every pull and breath.

Competition and relief combined for ravenous hunger, and these muffins were my favorites for summer swim meets. They are heavy and fairly dry, best eaten with coffee, milk or black tea. I assume you can make them much more spongey by cutting down the flour and adding a bit more milk, but I like them as they are, especially as mini muffins.


Of the myriad wonderful things that came out of my time in Peace Corps, one of the best is that sometime in the past few years of learning new languages, living in new places and being given responsibilities, I've lost that fear of every public situation. I know it happened in Peace Corps because in putting my name in for a committee during pre-service training and realizing I needed to give a "speech" to convince my fellow trainees to elect me, I felt the familiar dread. I fumbled my way through terrifying minutes with all of my cohort watching and judging. Thankfully they still thought me decent enough to do the job (and I realize now that the whole thing was supposed to be fun and informal), but that feeling of ineptitude was still there. I started my two years with my community feeling uncertain and inadequate. Sometime in the midst of having to live up to my community's perception of me as an experienced professional qualified to support and guide them, I realized that I wasn't just treading water anymore. I realized that knowing everything wasn't necessary because everyone knows a little, and being perfect wasn't anything to strive for. When things were a little messy or uncoordinated, it was a chance to give responsibilities to people who showed flashes of leadership. I learned to meet people where they are, push for little changes, and give space for everyone to participate. I planned camps and gave trainings, coached and tutored, cold-called government ministries and scheduled meetings with local officials. I realized that I like giving trainings. I never thought that would happen. I'm still not a social person, but I don't get anxious anymore worrying about all of the eyes on me. It's silly to bottle up my knowledge and observations when I could be participating, making connections, sharing, and increasing my own understanding. Being seen, even when I feel like a fool and everything isn't perfectly to plan, isn't a bad thing for me anymore.

Also, I find people are much more open and happier when I bring sweets to share. Happiness is good.

Espresso Chocolate Chip Muffins 

12 tablespoons (1.5 sticks) butter
1 1/3 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
¼ cup coffee + 2 tablespoons instant coffee or espresso crystals dissolved in it
3 cups flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
½ cup milk
1 ½ - 2 cups chocolate chips (mini are great, or chop regular ones a little if you're making mini muffins)

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 375° F

Grease 24 muffin cups or 48 mini muffin cups, or some combination of the two. These are much more solid than normal muffins, which is why I tend to prefer them mini.

Beat butter and sugar until fluffy. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Gradually add dry and wet ingredients by thirds until just blended. Fold in chocolate chips. This is a stiff batter, so don't worry if it looks more like cookie dough than muffin batter.

Spoon into tins about 3/4 full, then bake 20-25 min until a toothpick comes out clean and the tops are golden brown