Remembering to Listen

I had so many conversations with immigrants yesterday, some of them lighthearted, but most of them upset and anxious. I talked with a man about homelessness, and he asked if I would ever do that even for a day, "just to understand what it's like" before he revealed his own temporary homelessness even as he is attending trainings like yesterday's on work ethic, and actively seeking employment on a daily basis. One women asked me why, why, as a citizen of this country, I don't insist that my president release his tax returns to expose his conflicts of interest. At least two people ended up partway through our conversation pushing back tears just asking to be heard, to be considered human and valuable, to not see their lives and the lives of their friends torn apart. They pay their taxes, they raise their children, they struggle for this "American dream" we sell, and we turn our backs and raise our walls. One man explained his views on the immigration cycle since the 1960s: the push by growers for more labor, the wars that created refugees, and labor shortage that is constantly filled by those doing work no one else wants to do for pay no one wants to accept but employers insist upon. We talked about the inequalities and priorities generated by our capitalist system and the scapegoats created by our political system to hoard power. We talked about paying and paying into the system, then as that first generation of residents is starting to take out social security, the government seeks ways to never pay that back, and deportation and rescinding of residency is a convenient way to do it. We observed strong incentives for racial profiling and for tacking any crime on any arrest in order to easily deport based on criminal charges. Families run through action plans if mom or dad gets arrested. The women standing together talk of walking through life with a stone in the pit of their stomachs, of fearing sending their kids to school, and of praying to God to just make them invisible. This is no way to live. 

I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to say that I have no road map for how to force the revelation of tax returns. I feel helpless just talking with my friends, and we come from a place of immense privilege. Although we still worry about assault and injustice, we don't have to face the judgment of the police and the public or worry about arrest when going to the grocery or school. Yesterday I tried to respond empathetically and share in their fears, but I'm not sure that was the best response. Mostly I think they were asking me to listen. They were asking me to value their lives as much as I value my own. They were asking me to raise their voices. Although many may have no vote, they have a stake in this country they have contributed to ten times over. 

But the deluge is constant, from trying to sell public lands for extraction to taking away women's rights and LGBTQ rights to throttling freedom of speech and assembly. And that's just from Congress. Up the scale and down the scale offer no reprieve with racist executive orders from the top and racist murders which the media is too afraid to call terrorism or even a hate crime from the bottom. The fact that the New York Times has started a "This Week in Hate" section is indicative of a national sickness. It feels more and more like our country is hollow; it echoes and echoes searching for more to suck into itself, but it has lost its soul. We echo that loss and we revel in despair. But we also have all these fears and all these dreams and all this beautiful diversity. Despite all efforts to delegitimize the voices of America (real America, not just rich, white, self-serving America), we are real and we matter. 

I need to remember not to interject my fears, but to listen. I need to say, "I hear you. I support you. I will raise your voice with mine." I don't need to offer excuses or fixes or advice in that moment. I need to listen. Then I need to use my privilege, all of my privileges and opportunities, to put my actions where my heart and my mouth already march. I want to do research, especially on immigration laws in Canada and around the world, to understand better how we could allow legal immigration, work visas and naturalization rather than this broken cycle of impossibilities we currently use and pretend that you could 'go through the process.' You can't. And it's rooted in a purposefully unequal system. I keep thinking about running for office because dismantling the system doesn't seem plausible, but I keep thinking how much I hate politics and how much I just want to run from this country. It's not a new feeling, just one that has taken on more weight as our politics becomes more polarized. For these two years that I'm in school, though, I need to be present.

I know the rest of the world has its problems, but there is a sense of being once-removed from it all as an expat - I'm not close to my own government and I'm not a citizen of the host government. I know the fight is here, but that doesn't stop inequality and injustice elsewhere either. I got into studying and working in development because it's an international field that (hopefully) helps people. It's a matter of picking the battles. I find myself looking for local battles, even the tiny ones like a $100 wage theft case or inputting data to make it easier for others to find and run in school board elections, to try to feel less helpless. And I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to go to academic talks, participate in class, and put myself in situations where I have to talk to people who didn't grow up like I did. I need to force myself to be more aware, more conscientious, and more active. 

Sometimes I listen to Hamilton (ok, all the time) because the lines often aptly describe so many things I cannot fully express. Right now it's this one, for trying to reshape a nation towards equality, equity, justice and opportunity for all. 

"You will come of age with our young nation,
we'll bleed and fight for you, we'll make it right for you,
If we lay a strong enough foundation,
we'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you
And you'll blow us all away...
Some day, some day
Yeah, you'll blow us all away"