Pasaia Cliffs and Beaches at Midnight

June 20

We spent the morning hiking to San Pedro from San Sebastián on the coastal cliffs. The views were incredible and the two and a half hours of hiking relatively easy as we talked about everything from friends getting married to kids to making calendars to nature. We decided not to take the little boat across to San Juan, though Carlos at the hostel assures us that the seafood at the restaurants there is fantastic. Decision making deteriorated rapidly as I got hungry, but luckily Anna kept her head and with some bread, cheese, peppers and pasta in us, everything got much better. Thank god Anna had the good sense to just take charge, because I was about at zero. Another few hours on the beach had me feeling a little crispy, and another gelato, this time coffee and brownie, had me sugar-happy. We grabbed a pintxo dinner at Gorriti with delicious shrimp skewers, peppers, a cod-stuffed pepper, morcilla, and a couple other things I can’t remember. Molli got this tasty almost sparkly wine called Txakoli, which, as well as the cider, is definitely worth a try. We spent a good long while there slowly ordering more and more pintxos until we were full, then wandered out to the coastal road to catch the end of the sunset before dark. 

Anna and I spent another hour or so walking up and down the beach at midnight with the very low tide, as if the beach had doubled while we were eating. We talked about relationships and futures, getting finger gunned, professional progress and emotional stability. I feel stable, but I’m worried I’m not doing what I should be, or not making the decisions or taking the risks to become an “adult.” I know I applied again for Peace Corps because it feels safe, but I am equally worried that if I apply for grad school I will end up paying a huge amount that I will regret having to pay back. I know I should get a grad degree soon, but does it need to be now? Will I feel ready for it by January? Should I apply for Bradford and MIIS and Denver? Should I get a degree with letters rather than a development MA? If I’m happy and young and without obligations, am I where I should be? Am I doing Peace Corps because I don’t want to deal with an office job and trying to move my way up in an organization? I can’t even imagine being back in the U.S. right now, much less forcing myself into some position just for the paycheck and the work experience. I have so many doubts about where I am now and where I should be, but I'm also happy. Does that trump thinking about the future?

We talked about our friends and classmates back in the States. It’s hard sometimes to talk to old friends, especially since these past couple of years have turned us into different people. It’s hard to connect with the down-to-the-minute scheduling of life in the US and constant emphasis on advantage and future advantage. No, I’m not in a job that pays me, and that’s ok with me. We talked about how friends didn’t talk for five years because they weren’t in the mental space to be able to hear each other, and how that white noise is coming between relationships with friends at home. It’s hard to be on the same page with someone who’s getting married, thinking about kids, or coming up on five years and a promotion while I’m flitting from country to country. I’m definitely finding things I’m passionate about, but that hasn’t sated the wanderlust in the least. If anything it makes me want to see more and try more jobs with more organizations. 

Anna also said something to the effect that you will find people to love by doing the things you love. I know I find friends that way - Anna and Molli are a case in point - but I wonder if I’m intentionally closing myself off to the possibility of a relationship because I know I will be moving on. That’s a silly thing to do. I justified it in El Sal as not jeopardizing my respect in the community, and in Georgia I say I don’t want to get involved with the religion or intense families. I know there are crazy families and progressive families everywhere, but at some point I just don’t want to get involved. And I’m lazy - I have no interest in going through the steps of flirting and uncertainty and caring about how I look and not knowing what’s ok and what’s weird. That’s exhausting. I do want to be in a relationship, though, and definitely want to get married and have kids at some point. Life is confusing. Being an adult is confusing. Am I even doing it?

High: Midnight on the beach.

Low: The hour after hiking before lunch. I cannot function and definitely cannot make decisions without food.

Glitter: Walking on the cliffs with the gulls over the ocean for two hours isn’t a bad way to pass the morning.