In a Slump

I feel like Peace Corps has a lot of ups and downs, as well as periods of very high productivity surrounded by months of low productivity. I tend to write when I'm in one of the productive periods because it's more interesting than thinking about the days I spend reading in the hammock, occasionally getting up to switch bottles of water out from the freezer. The problem is that I've hit a no-productivity spell and it's getting to me. I know that I need to be working and I definitely need to be out in the community, but I don't leave. It's how I imagine someone with depression might feel, but I'm not depressed. It's like I've become an extremely determined homebody, but I kinda despise myself for it.

As I get closer and closer to Close of Service, my productivity and work ethic have been totally destroyed. I cannot get myself to focus and I obsessively check my email waiting for a reply back from the job I really want. I talk to other PCVs and they talk about leaving the house once a day as a major accomplishment, and I totally understand. It *almost* legitimizes my own non-productive attitude towards absolutely everything, but not really. The end is so near, I have things I can do on the computer that are halfway legitimate and sweets to bake that I totally tell my boss are cultural exchange moments, I'm raising trays of cabbage and jalapeños and (soon) more tomatoes, and there's a new PCV in my site who's doing the census and playing sports so Peace Corps is technically still working here. I'm pretty proud that my tomatoes are getting ripe, the second round of cabbages has been growing well for about a week, and the first jalapeños just sprouted. I'm also learning Italian. And all of this without leaving my house.

It's not that I'm doing nothing, I'm just avoiding things I don't really care much about or that aren't as intriguing as the next episode of The Office. I'm hoping to pull myself out of my funk to make the most of the end of my service. To that end, today I went with my most promising member of the women's group to a "women in business" event with what felt like 200 women from all over the region, and it was awesome. She looked totally pumped after hearing about women who received trainings and started expanding their businesses, and I can definitely see her being a successful seamstress (or anything, else, really, but she likes sewing so that's a good start). If nothing else, she certainly has the skills, the smarts and the creativity. I guess it's time to buckle down and make sure something comes of it. Getting back home, I watched my host sister make cakes for our women's group event on Saturday. The fact that I did almost nothing actually made me really happy, because it means she doesn't even need me. I'm totally joining in tomorrow when we make the frosting, though; decorating is the best part.  

In this funk I have been reading a lot (though I suppose that's not much of a change from when I'm working) and spending too much time on the internet. That primarily means laughing through this blog because they all totally understand what I'm going through. I didn't realize that it must have started with the cohort right before mine - it just feels like it has been there for all time, a staple of PCV life. Since I'm in that mindset and also because it has been over a year since I last read Harry Potter and I want to read it again, I started thinking about growing up in Peace Corps through Harry Potter. It's perfect that Ron has so many scared faces. Then I just started looking at gifs, and got a little carried away. I'm really excited about my post for when I complete my service, though, because I found my favorites for that one. aaaand I'm back to not working again.

We didn't even know what we were getting into, accepting the invitation to serve:

And then the country placement email arrived:

number one homicide rate in the world, anyone?

But then we had to sit through all the safety and security trainings:

...and all of the other trainings for 10 weeks:

Getting to site:

actually, it wasn't too bad, but I do love Ron's reaction.

Some projects and camps were amazing and I loved it:

Basically, life goes a little something like this:

But the day-to-day machismo and fatalism is draining:

The final three months:

Thinking about COS:

And all of the wonderful things after COS (read, food):

Grocery stores!

coming back to American food!

But then realizing that I will COS and have to think about the future:

I'm hoping that writing it out will motivate me to change my behavior so that I have something awesome to share next time. Otherwise, just look forward to more book reviews and endless gifs.

New books read: 96

Total books read: 137

Recommendation: The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson. This is probably best read in high school, as are all of her books, but it's still a really good read. It's about Hayley, a senior in high school. Her dad is an Iraq and Afghanistan vet, barely holding it together and running from the past. She’s a freak in a world of zombies, but for the most part just a normal teenager who likes history, hangs out with Gracie, likes Finn and is desperately trying not to remember the past or let the present explode on her. I always love seeing swimmers in books, so it’s awesome that Finn’s a swimmer and lifeguard. The two best parts of the book were standing on the edge of the quarry, a breath away from the sheer drop, flying and falling. It took an afternoon to read, and like the others I’ve read by her, captures emotions and turmoil with honesty.

Currently reading: Hard Choices by Hillary Clinton (I know, I know...I'll finish it soon, but it's long), Hologram for a King by Dave Eggers